


Might-have-been

by marredshadow



Category: Black Magician Trilogy - Trudi Canavan
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, Introspection, M/M, POV Outsider, Spoilers, background Akkarin/Sonea
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-30 00:17:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17213555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marredshadow/pseuds/marredshadow
Summary: Akkarin and Lorlen through the years and the eyes of an outsider.





	Might-have-been

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my mother language.

i. There was a time where they both didn’t know what love was. There was a time where they shared kisses and that made them happy. Later, they will forget about it but the longing remains. But for men to love men means to die (and not only them).

ii. The girl watches them from afar, wondering why these two boys run one after another but never touch.

iii. Later, she will understand that they can’t. People taught them too well that two men or two women are not to be together. Their feelings are no love, but only friendship.

iv. "Lies !", she wants to shout, but they are to be protected not thrown to the ever hungry crowd made of right-minded people. Instead, she watches them as they grow. Still together but with a now distance that means that they are safe.

v. As a teenager, Lorlen was Akkarin’s shadow. Always second, and always by his side. The back-then girl would see them skipping classes to run in the forest. They would reappear later that evening with breathless laughs and a tenderness in their shared looks. No hands would be held but gentle voices would be heard until one of them stopped as the other would lay a blanket on the sleeping form next to him.

vi. Sometimes, she is convinced that Lorlen knows. Perhaps Akkarin, too. But they don’t allow themselves more than looks and aborted touches, when the other doesn’t see it. Green and red seen together, that is not a common sight.

vii. None of them says "I’ll miss you" when the fateful day comes but for a time, outstretched hands would seek something not there anymore.

viii. There is only silence when Akkarin comes back.

ix. The woman remembers a past when Lorlen used to watch Akkarin with an emotion close to … Was it love ? She still doesn’t know. Perhaps it was better that way. None of them could live as such. Akkarin would have refuse it, too much burden on his frail shoulders and the risk of losing his title preventing him to close the gap between Lorlen and him.

x. Lorlen no longer watches Akkarin that way. He averts his eyes whenever Akkarin is there. For those who pay attention, there is always this small press of lips and a sadness that surreptitiously appears in his gaze, mirrored by Akkarin whose dark eyes are trained on his friend’s frame. But most of all, there is a tension that doesn’t belong to their relationship.

xi. He was happy to see Akkarin again. But a part of him fears that it is not the Akkarin of his younger years. The feeling that used to be in his heart is but a remnant of the past, and he fights to keep it that way. He thinks that perhaps it is for the better.

xii. As an adult, Lorlen is Akkarin’s everything. He came back to him. Keeping the Ichrani and the black magic a secret is hard, losing Lorlen because of it is the worst. Akkarin tries to build a delusion, that of past times when they were only two of the best students of the academy. The dearly held memories of their youth are already lost to them and Akkarin clings to the poor substitute of this relationship. As long as he hears Lorlen questionning his innocence, he is delighted. Sometimes, he remembers when Lorlen would stay up until Akkarin fell asleep. Now it is his turn, but from afar, where Lorlen can’t see him. And he watches as his would-be lover wears himself out.

xiii. Finally, Akkarin understands and accepts that he loves Lorlen.

xiv. He would give everything to let him rest. "I am no killer". No, it is no truth. "I did not kill these people". That’s a lie but the truth is so much difficult. "I would never let you down. You, I will shield."

xv. That day, the woman has seen Akkarin coming back. She has seen his eyes, the void behind them. She has seen Akkarin and Sonea, but behind their visible love, she has seen that Akkarin can no longer cling to living.

xvi. As Akkarin watches Sonea fighting, he remembers another back, one who would later wear violet, and blue. He struggles to give her his force. In another world, he thinks, both of them would be alive. The illusion he created before would not be one. Lorlen would be alive. He would have healed him, even if it was to live only some more hours, even if his country would fall. Then he remembers that Lorlen lived for his country. Their country. And he keeps on giving his life away. Sonea is beautiful and strong, she will survive. He is not. Weak, a shadow of a man who died long ago, but a ghost that someone loved nonetheless. Even after everything, even during, he was loved. Lorlen left him, hoping that of the two who were – would have been one, in another society, in another time-, Akkarin would live.

xvii. He wears a ring with a red stone when he dies. He wants to see the familiar blue robe but there remains only echos of a voice who cried for him. And later, the softness of that voice as it faded away.

xviii. Another disappointment for Lorlen. But then, what right has he to live when Lorlen died ? When he betrayed his friend - he would have say "lover" but that is a truth that cannot exist -, he crushed the very last vestiges of hope and happiness he had.

xix. Akkarin is no longer. His body rests near the back of the graveyard. Lorlen is in the front. A woman lays from time to time half a bouquet on a grave, and the other half on another. She pours wine on both graves and she remembers that two men lay there, far from each other, when they were always the closest alive.

**Author's Note:**

> I am still pissed half a year later and I didn't even like the series.


End file.
